When Your Claim to Fame Involves the DMV


Let’s talk driver’s license photos, shall we?

Note: Oleander, you knew this was coming.

I love to talk about my driver’s license photo. In fact, when a cashier asks to see my photo ID, I pull it out, almost gleefully.

No, let’s make that actually gleefully.



Because, look:


Holy Moses, I am a Goddess!


Right? What is happening here, people? This is the DMV! When did the DMV become a veritable Sears Portrait Studio? I even suggested to the photo-taking employee that she should consider a position at Glamour Shots. (Please tell me that place still exists. Or is it now just a sultry, dimly-lit corner of the bedroom and an iPhone?)

So, I get lots of responses to my photo, mainly because of my gleefulness, ranging from “Wow, that’s a really great photo!” to “Wow, that doesn’t even look like you!”

Note: Heck, yes it looks like me.

But a few days ago in the Pharmacy refill line, the tall, somewhat big-bellied, 50ish gentleman behind the counter asked for my ID.

I gleefully produced it.

He looked at my ID. He looked at me. And then he ruined it. He ruined my gleefulness with two words.

Well, technically one word, repeated twice, with a little bit of sweat on his brow.

“Hubba Hubba.”

Hubba Hubba? Is this what single women in my age group deal with? Is this where years of self-help and empowerment and breaking barriers has brought the fiftyish woman? Hubba Hubba?


Note: Oh dear. I think I may have just died a little inside.


Hey! Let’s have a little fun.  Run on over to our Bacon and Oleander Facebook Page and post your own Driver’s License photo! (with personal information removed, of course!) Maybe I’ll even give you a little Hubba Hubba of your own …

Seen Around Town

I hope you all had a delightful weekend. The Warriors won again yesterday, so it’s hard to find anything to complain about (unless you wanna talk baseball in Oakland, and then things take a grim turn).

I have a few gripes to share with you today. Recently I’ve come across a few sights that left me wondering what in the actual hell is going on here. And, in one case, lost me $1.50.

Number 1:

My car notified me that one of my tire’s air pressure was getting a little low. Lucky for me, I’ve got a 7-Eleven right up the road that can both provide for my abundant diet soda needs and has an air pump. So, I pull up to the air pump. I glance at it and determine I need $1.25 for 5 minutes of air.

I go inside and request change for my dollar and to convert two dimes and a nickel into a quarter. I now have 5. I walk out to the machine and insert the quarters. At which point…it starts counting down from $1.50. By the time I got back inside and procured another quarter…the machine had reset. Needless to say, I gave up and did not get air that day. But, seriously, can you tell me you’d have gotten this right on the first try:


Number 2:

I’m returning from a walk around the block on my lunch break. I spy this deck coming off a neighbor’s home. The questions in my head are endless. Was this always the plan? Was the mistake the window placement or the deck placement? Did they underestimate the grade of this location? Why is this here? It’s literally 2 feet of deck. No one would ever go out on this. Why is this like this!


Number 3: 

I’m at Target (obviously) and I’m looking at cars (obviously). The kids and I have been reading the junior novelization of Cars 3 as we prepare for its release this month (my son is so excited) so I’m looking at new characters from the movie and I find this. So far as I can tell they are otherwise identical.


Number 4: 

Finally, the kids were having a delightful time playing with PhotoBooth on their iPad the other day. That is until they wanted to use different filters. So, I offered my phone to my son while my daughter continued to use the iPad. No PhotoBooth on the phone, so I quickly downloaded a photo app for him to play with. At one point he runs over to me and says “make a funny face, mama.” I, of course, oblige. He bursts into laughter and runs away.

A few days later I’m looking through the pictures on my phone and I find the picture below. What. In. The. Actual. Hell. I can’t even.


Although I may print a life-size version of this and just hold it in front of my face like a mask next time I need to get air for my tires.

IMG_2066– Oleander